KRK refuses to act in the Bhojpuri remake of Ra.One.

This one got into Faking News :)


SRK’s big time rival and ‘Deshdrohi’ star Kamaal Rashid Khan(KRK) has turned down the offer to play G.One-wa in the Bhojpuri remake of Ra.One titled Ra.One-wa. In an exclusive interview to Mahua TV, the budding superstar who had slammed SRK’s dancing skills confirmed that he was indeed asked by Lal Mirchi productions to play the lead in Ra.One-wa.”I have better things to do with my life” was what the actor had to say.
When Chatur Chintu of Faking News caught up with the actor in his personal gym, the actor gave an insight into why he did so. “ You see, I have a reputation. My fans expect the best from me. Be it the super natural(read realistic) fight scenes in ‘Deshdrohi’ or my appearance in Big Boss, I have always maintained a standard. I don’t go for overkill. I simply kill. From day zero(the day prior to release of Ra.One’s first promo), I have maintained that SRK, in his bid to beat Sallu,Superstar Rajini,Aamir and ME is resorting to desperate measures. They have shown the same promo for almost an entire year. I never need any actor’s cameo to sell my film nor do I inflate my ticket prices. Dancing in birthdays is a strict no-no for me. The Lal Mirchi guys wanted me to do all this . My doodhwala, who saw Ra.One’s premiere on my pass ,now hates me. The only part he enjoyed was Rajini’s cameo and he silently prayed that Ra.One’s reels got replaced by that of Robot’s. “
When Chatur Chintu informed him that there were talks to rope in his favorite co-star Gracy Singh, KRK replied-“ Ghanta! “.
Meanwhile, reports from Hollywood suggest that the makers of Terminator are planning to sue Red Chillies for making a spoof of their movie without their prior consent. When Faking News asked SRK about this, he cracked some joke about four females and a gay male and laughed while the girls in the crowd cheered and wooed.

Guddi ka gussa.

Blessings to my devotees. Brothers and chicks of Indian colleges, you might not be wondering why I have stopped my sermons. It’s because some people have accused me of being a sexist. I tried to reason with them by saying that I might be sexy, but am surely not sexist(unless “sexist” means being vigorously and adamantly interested in sex with the opposite sex). I got a few hate femails too. This particular girl lambasted me and here’s whatever little I remember from her lengthy dialogs:

Hello Ji,
I am Guddi, a student of deemed university. I rode your blog, its vary dirty. What s**t you write about girls? I am sure someone ditch-ed you.Or maybe you are one of those chikna guys who like guys. What you call them huh? Gay something na? Yess you must be gay. Because all guys I know, love me. And I am not vary beautiful,still they love me from their heart. I am vary fair, like Cutrina. Face cutting not very good(still I like look like Eesha dewal). You make fun of girls na? You tell we “nachao” guys on our “ishara”. You make fun of girls with big booty and also with small booty, bloddy my Jooti!!! What you think huh? See me? I don’t have big booty, still guys dig me (literally and illiteraly ).And don’t you dare tell that they love me because I am rich and have a car! If it was so, they would sit on the cushion instead of me when we go to disco in my car.

You say girls don’t have big hearts. Cum with me! I will show you my friends. They have bigger hearts than Silk Smitha(R.I.P babe)

You donkeyhole “dhongi” mahatma! You say ugly girls take ugly photos from side angle and upload on FB and then other ugly girls say aaawwww, umaaah, chumaah!!! Sala kaminaah! Open your ears and listen! No girl is ugly! We are naturally bootyfull! You guys are only ugly. Most of you are sukhandi,like bamboo stick. Others are like inflated balloon sold during mela. What nonsense physique! Can’t you people look normal like Tom(Cruise) and (Prince) Harry? You moron d***s!

You also telling that we call boys cheap but enjoy their stares! You think us to be bar girls or what? Don’t you have mother sister in home? Your thinking is so cheap! Ever heard the word “Global Warming”? You angootha chaap! Its so hot nowadays. You want us to wear burkha or what? Even cold countries like France banned burkha. You old mentality machoist rascal!

The next time you dare write anything derogatory about my species, I will see you outside! And I will also organize Slut walk in front of your ashram you sexist!
Hating you,
Yours neither faithfully nor unfaithfully
Guddi.

MMS power: Go get it!

We all have seen MMSes... Most of us love them (although secretly). Every time you see a good college mms, you tell to yourself-“Yar, wish I was there with this ****...” But, if wishes were whoreses, everyone would have one (did I just say “whore”ses?). So the fact remains that being an mms star is a privilege of a chosen few. Not everyone has what it takes to be an mms star.
Take for example the latest ATM mms doing the rounds. Before you let loose your wild imagination, let me tell you that this mms doesn’t feature a guy humping a poor ATM machine which refused to deliver cash. It actually has a guy, and a girl loving each other in the way Adam and Adam’s best friend’s girlfriend loved each other. How many of you would dare to do that? The maximum you could think of is peeing in the ATM, but most of you were afraid of getting caught by the CCTV. Not this couple. They went in the ATM, and did things which has given a hole(read it whole) new meaning to the word ATM-Any Time Moaning.
Sure they knew about those cameras inside. But dressing down in front of it was their way of saying- “You filthy CCTV! I find you everywhere these days. And so am not going to be cowed down by you! Shoot me if you can!”
That’s exactly what the cam did. And instantly, two motley morons became online sensation!
The first famous Campus mms was from DPS R.K puram. But the ones made by our campus love doves makes that one look like Finding Nemo(wasn’t that poor girl trying to find “nemo” all the time in that mms?). The MMSes now are quite mature in their depiction of love. Take for example the “Khatiya” mms. In this clip, the guy and the girl are relaxing after a tiring session. You can see a lot of love in their eyes (or was the expression just for the camera?). The other mms-“Paying guest room clip” was a rather long one. I was quite bored with the guy’s ability to keep the girl all dressed up for a better part of that 45 minute long marathon. Was he trying to show how long he could last? Because all of us saw that the real action was over in less time than what it takes to cook maggi! Such MMSes are called “pakau” and “dhokebaj” mms. Still it was better than that schoolgirl scandal. At least the lead actress was better in this one.
The point here is that MMSes are like IPL franchisees... if you own one, you are a hit (ask the MMS stars in your colleges, they will tell you how their fortunes have changed since that fateful upload). But just like in case of IPL franchisees, not everyone can own one.
So here’s a small lesson on “How to make MMS and titillate people”

For girls: You either need to have a rich spoilt boyfriend (like raj kundra) or a powerful boyfriend (aka Tweeter Tharoor) who can get you some “sweat” equity in return of the sweating you do in bed. Only such powerful and brave guys can take you to a hotel, apartment or ATM and make you a star overnight.

For guys: Be yourself. That should be enough to make you an mms star.

P.S: Guys, please hide your faces in the video like the yesteryear mms icons. It makes the whole experience of watching a lot more enjoyable.

The smooch is on the loose!!!

Ummmm puchhhhhh...slurp..burp..slurp...fartt...
That’s not me after a chicken bucket. This is Sound of Smooch that is on loose in our campus. This recent trend, brought in by some foreign students has been picked up by our very own Desi daredevils. They don’t miss one opportunity to lock their horn’y’ lips in public places. It’s their way of saying, “I can kiss my girl in public. Can you”? My question is-Why should i kiss your girl in public? Aren’t you enough?
The sound made by the transfer of gutka and lipstick laden saliva and the groping hands that try to map the anatomy of each other’s bodies sometimes makes people say-“Why don’t they get a room”? My question is-Why should they waste on a room for something that can be done in phokat(free)?Why the non-smoochers have a problem? Is it because it’s them who are smooching and not you? Or is it because they don’t allow you to smooch? Or, is it because the ones being smooched are the ones you thought would never be smooched by anyone?
Instead of feeling disgusted at this PDA (Public Display of Affection), Mahapurush suggests you to do the following:
!. Use the camera of your blackberries. You paid for it! Try it’s video capturing feature too. And there’s a plethora of websites where you can upload them. This will serve as an inspiration to other smoochers.
!!. Add spices from your own imagination, extrapolate and exaggerate what you see. Gossip is the best remedy against sleep diseases induced by lectures.
!!!. Start passing lewd comments. This will give the much needed push to the smoochers to take their escapades to the next level-escapades. After all,who doesn’t like to watch young hornies making out?(provided they are not your own bfs or gfs)

Go Smoochers Go!!! The world is your stage. Play the game. Play it dirty. Play it hard. We are watching...And we are lovin it ;)

Facehole regional Farto...

Here’s a mail I received from one of my disciples (read friends) studying in one of the numerous “India’s No.1 pvt universities” .
Mahapurush ji ko charan sparsh.
Sir,
I am writing this letter to you because I am depressed with the attitude of one of our teachers. This guy seems to be a tadpole in a hole. The other day, few of us wished him Happy Holi, and he made a face similar to the appearance of my ass when it’s trying hard during constipation and farted on us telling-“We don’t celebrate holi here”. The next day when we wished him Happy Ugadi (Telugu New Year), he action replayed the same fart. I don’t get it Mahatma Ji...Why is he so pissed of everything? Is everyone here like him? Please guide my agitated soul because I feel tempted to kick his a** (read face).
Yours faithfully
Chaggan Chiggy wiggy .

This was my reply to him:
Dear Chiggy wiggy,
The world is place full of faceholes(read a**) like your teacher. He and many other think that they are intelligent. But believe me, they are not even “artificially intelligent”. They live in a world that ceased to exist in 16th century. They are remnant of an endangered species called “Regional fartos”.
If you look around, you will find that most of your friends, be it North or South Indians celebrate holi ,ugadi,pongal,diwali ,etc with equal fanfare. Don’t you cheer for Chennai Super Kings in the IPL? Many of my fellow mahatmas are from South and they have hots for Preity and Shilpa.They do tapasya for the victory of Rajasthan Royals and Kings Eleven in the hope that the two ladies will do a Saurav ganguly by waving their shirts in air. Does this make my friends lesser Tamilian or telugu?? Nope.
And don’t let that facehole teacher of yours poison your mind. There’s every possibility that his son will marry a telugu girl and she will then celebrate ugadi at his home or his wife will run away with a bihari paying guest(Just keep yourself updated with the latest scandals on Debonairblog...they will be the first ones to come out with any mms involving his wife.) As far as your desire for kicking his a** is concerned, just forget it...I am very sure he is so f***ed up, he won’t even know if a train passes through it..;)
***********LET PEACE AND UNITY PREVAIL************

My name is Mahapurush...

This story is of that day when i saw her in the chemistry lab. She was beautiful,she was lovely, she smiled and l i dropped the test tube. The lab attendant appeared from nowhere and said ,” Ennada! Rs 400 fine ra.” He glared at me, i stared at the test tube trying to fathom which part of it was in gold or platinum to make it worth 400 bucks. Unable to understand this just like the topics in my syllabus,i quickly shifted to the topic i am good at-“oglology”. I stared and stared until the girl hid behind her table. I AM NOT A QUITTER..i started staring at her shoes beneath the table. I smiled at my persistence while she and her friends gave me nasty looks.
“DESPO”!!! The world measures the time period in B.C and A.D. That day, a new division was created for me- Pre Despo and post Despo. I stopped looking at girls (even at those girls who are fat and buffalo-like and those who are ultra thin and man-like). Wherever i went, the tag of being a despo followed. Ya Khuda! Is it a crime to admire your creations without any evil intentions? Don’t girls stare at handsome heroes?? Are they called despo? Then why me?? Just because I am a GUY doesn’t make me a Despo. In the UnHoly Book Of Love,Ch 2 verse 69 its clearly written-“ Thou shall look at all beautiful damsels as thy looketh butterflies-with passion, love and desire to hold.” Then why do people misinterpret the teachings? Why is a whole sex being targeted for the wrongdoings of a few rathores and khans? My friends have deserted me. Few of them have been spat upon and beaten up by self proclaimed ugly brothers of beautiful girls.They say this happened because I am their friend. I can’t bear this.I want to talk about it to the president sahib(President of Playboy). I want to tell him-“ MY NAME IS MAHAPURUSH..AND I AM NOT A DESPO.”..

SO CHEAP!!

"God! These guys you know?How cheap they are!Saale aise dekhte hai jaise kabhi ladki dekhi hi nahi!Why do they have to stare everytime?I feel like being x-rayed."
My gutter...i mean utter symapthy to the tortured,tormented and scanned beauty queens.
What wrong have they committed?agreed,most of them who indulge in this kind of outburst wear "innovative" kind of drapes(read dresses).But isn't that what's gender equality is all about?
Guys! don't we go to canteen in shorts? Have the girls ever stared at you unless you bumped your head in a pillar while daydreaming about one of them? Agreed their shorts are shorter than ours.This surely isn't an excuse for giving those Shakti Kapoor type of expressions! And what is with that mouth opening wide open everytime your dreamgirl passes by?Don't you know about the millions of microbes floating in the atmosphere? Stop staring yar!And if you can't ,atleast start wearing dark glasses.They make you look uber cool and rich unless you are a Tushaar kapoor lookalike.

But ladies,i have a small doubt. Is Chennai too hot to keep the shorts a little long? ;)